SAYING GOODBYE

 With a heavy heart I begin the process of saying goodbye to the friends I've made in China for the last time. This is difficult as I've never felt like this before: it's more than the trivial routine you go through with people you meet on holiday, there is something very final about it. And it's a matter of saying goodbye to China too: at least for now and probably for always. I feel there is more I could have done, perhaps inevitably. I take my student/assistant of the year out for lunch at the Japanese restaurant where I order too much food: and the next day I do a bit of admin and cleaning before cooking a bit of egg rice for lunch and having a beer in the shacks: I'm the only one left now who does this. It sometimes means I can lazily observe wasp-waisted and willowy ghosts float gently past my eyes as I contemplate the past. Have I made the most of my time in China?  

 On Sunday I carry on with collating my assessment and overwhelmed somewhat with this, I do some house cleaning and decide to go out for lunch: I have a beer or two while I muse over what to have and in the end I can't make up my mind so I cycle around North Street and find a very small restaurant that sells roast duck: I have to say this is one of the most pleasant surprises I've had here in Baoding: the food is very tasty, not too fatty, there is plenty of sauce, pancakes and even soup! With beer it costs about RMB 35. I actually end up calling a student to translate for me over the phone as they seem to insist on trying to have some kind of conversation with me!

The same evening I have dinner with Seven, Christine, and Abby, who is a little sad owing to recent bereavement and I have to say I can understand how she feels, but we have a lovely meal together. I know there are not many more opportunities I will have to see them again. I do love talking to them, Seven and Christine seem very fond of Abby: I'm very glad about this. Christine in particular likes to spend time with her: while we are in the restaurant Seven tries to order some yellow wine: a more refined version of the Chinese rice wine, but it so happens they don't seem to sell it. So Christine and Abby go out together to find some yellow wine, leaving Seven and I to talk together. I have the distinct feeling of being in a dinner party or club where the gentlemen are left with their cigars and brandy talking “men's talk” while the ladies go and talk gossip: as it happens I'm partially right, Abby talks about the pain of her loss to Christine.

I invite a couple of colleagues over for dinner to show them some of the things I have to give away: they seem to like cooking so I'm sure they'd like some cooking utensils and and kitchenware! As usual I make far too much food. I contemplate inviting some others but I ultimately decide against it: I might be cooking up some more stuff anyway! I decide to make a fish menu so I go and buy some prawns and some big white fish:I'd like to do my party piece from last year, which is beer fish, and I buy some German black beer to cook the fish in. At any rate it makes for a pleasant evening and I enjoy myself: sadly there is the usual mound of crockery and pans to wash up!

  

  

Seven shows me his new house which he and Christine are moving into. I'd describe it as a modern take on traditional Chinese interior design, they have an imposing mini-library with hundreds of books that makes me feel positively ill-read! It isn't far away from where we live, and I feel it's a shame I won't get to see it when it's finished.

 

Life goes on at the university although now the students are getting ready for the summer break. Sales of wheelie suitcases appear in the streets around the campus, and from my 17^th floor window I can watch the Chinese going about their daily lives with parasols to keep the sun off their heads, as it's fiercely hot now. I dread to think what it will be like in August. There's something charmingly trivial about all of this.

I record all the marks and a Chinese colleague moderates the course for me. There are the usual administrative headaches but we are all starting to become excited about breaking up. A student sends me some tea cups from Beijing to distribute among some of the teachers. I choose a charming little green one, as it's my favourite colour (funny things, favourite colours, why do we have them?) and let others choose their own: they seem delighted with this and I'm glad. I love most of all to sit in the shacks, what's left of them anyway, and contemplate life.

In my heart I can't believe I'm leaving China for the last time. I remember my first visit in 1997 with Sarah when I can remember being in Beijing looking out at the distant mountains and feeling the vastness of China, wanting, longing to explore it. I've seen a little of China now, but I know I've only scratched the surface. I'd have to be here 10 years to really see it but I've seen enough to feel that I'm beginning to know it a little. I do feel though, that there is a mystery to be penetrated, something I haven' t had time to do! There is always more to see. I can't imagine life in England at the moment: raining skies, cool weather, dark beer, fish and chips. I also feel I'm going back to a country at war with itself, a land that is lost, when it was so close to re-inventing itself. Time will tell where all of this will lead. I fear the journey. I feel something frightful will happen to me on the way back: something awful that will stop me seeing Sarah when I get back. The scale of it is overwhelming: I have to break it down into small sections to survive emotionally.

I visit the little duck restaurant that I found and to my astonishment find there are some Chinese guys that I know there\; they speak very little English but they seem glad to see me and insist I join them for lunch: so I sit and eat roast duck with them and I offer to buy them a beer but they won't let me spend any money at all so I end up with a free lunch and a good laugh. You'd be surprised what a good time you can have with the Chinese even when you don't speak the languages! Although they have a young lady with them who speaks a little English and sometime we can communicate through a translation app on someone's smart phone.

I've got too much food left in my fridge so I will have to give it away. I meet a friend in one of the shacks for a beer and take some home-cooked spaghetti bolognaise on paper plates with plastic knives and forks so we eat outdoors. Nobody minds when you do this in China. I hope we can see each other before I leave.

I invite Seven and Christine to the Japanese restaurant one more time and we have a delightful evening together. We share stories of our friendship and favourite memories, so we have a good laugh together. I'm afraid I do become quite emotional over 2 flasks of sake and there are a few tears. It turns out to be the last time I see Christine: I call them brother and sister in my emotional state. They have been wonderful friends and remarkable people: deeply humble, spiritual and extremely intelligent. Knowing them has been my good fortune! Shortly after this Christine goes away to a meditation retreat for 10 days so I don't get the chance to see her again: it's lucky we had this chance to say goodbye: I wanted to see them as much as I could before leaving.

There's a lot of goods in my flat to dispose of: some colleagues buy my microwave oven and DVD player, also my woks and cooking utensils. I give my Italian friend Linda a lot of drawing materials and some other stuff she picks out on a visit to my apartment: bric-a-brac, plates, jars of spices etc. Linda goes away laden with 3 bags of goodies and struggles to get it all home! Colleagues drop by and chat then take something: usually departing with a bag or two of kitchenware, food, (in one case spirits and wine which I don't tend to drink in China). A colleague takes my unused canvases which I'm pleased about and Seven has my bike! I feel I've done well clearing my flat! James and Iris have my Christmas tree and a load of food. I save a few items so I can cook breakfast and leave enough for a new occupant to get by for a few days.

It's important to prepare for the journey ahead so I check all my travel details: flight, hotels in Beijing, train tickets, accommodation in London etc. and print off all my receipts. It takes me two days to pack as I have to check and re-check it all. I buy an extra baggage allowance.  

 I see a couple of students for lunch in the area, one I take to the duck restaurant, another to Route 66. These make for pleasant interludes. The assessment work slowly draws to a close with moderation, recording and the academic board meeting. I give my flat a clean although I don't have time to do it as well as I'd normally do.

 I see Linda one more time on my last day in Baoding: there is another thunderstorm and the area floods again, but it's nowhere near as bad as the last time. I originally want to take her to 66 for pizza but we abandon this idea and decide on a local place. We meet in one of the shacks, a tiny one that has become my favourite and neither of us feels particularly hungry, so we sit and share a cold beer while we decide what to do. In the end we just sit talking and I walk across the road to a little street stall where I buy some fried rice and salad which I take back to the shack. It's more than enough. So we sit and talk with the rain pouring down all around and occasionally into the tent. The lady there keeps pushing sticks into the roof to channel away the water collecting there, so it sometimes splashes onto me: I cannot get upset about it as I'm quite wet anyway so I laugh. In all we have a great time, simple and unplanned. It's one of my nicer meals out! Following this I have to go just before 3pm as someone is coming to pick up some goods.

I feel I'm leaving Baoding at the right time: the shacks which, however unhygienic and shabby, had character and life, are being replaced with lifeless and largely uninhabited concrete blocks. The only paces to eat are the Chinese restaurants which offer little choice or variety. I can't imagine facing another polluted winter and I'm not inclined to go home to England then leave again.

That evening the rain subsides so I go out to 66 one last time with a few colleagues, also Seven and Abby who join me for the last time. We have a delightful evening talking art and life although we stay out a bit late and struggle to find a taxi home!  

This is my last night in Baoding: I've said all my important goodbyes, one by one, and there have been a few pleasant evenings and lunches! A big party wouldn't have worked. The next day the voyage home begins. I wonder what I'll miss? Well, certainly the people I've met, worked and shared my China life with, the local culture, the shacks and beer, the company and the challenges. I don't think I'll miss the crowded nature of China, the pollution, most of the food or the noise! But as this chapter of my life draws to a close, there is much to reflect on. I hope I've learned a bit about myself.