FRIENDSHIP

To the Chinese, the concept of “friendship” seems fundamental to their culture and civilisation, but its meaning is often unclear. Sometimes it seems to mean “partnership” or “agreement”, and at times the generosity of the Chinese can be overwhelming.

However, this time I see another aspect of the Chinese notion of friendship: it appears to be transient. I notice a subtle change in my Chinese friends, former students and local acquaintances, following my absence over the summer. I extend invitations to them to find that they will respond in the following fashions:

“Yes, I'd love to....!” especially in person, which is then followed up with a text or email saying: “Actually I've just realised I'm too busy with...... so I can't come. Sorry!”

Or:

“I'm very busy at the moment, perhaps later, I'll let you know....” which of course never happens.

There is also a shift in their demeanour from friendly and open to cordial and slightly distant. It is clear to me that for many of them, I seem to have exhausted my usefulness or appeal and therefore will have to form new friendships, which is a disappointing prospect. I speak to a Western friend about this, and ask is it my imagination? She is absolutely convinced that it's not, they really do behave like this and she's experienced it a number of times.

Although I enjoy the company of some of the other foreign teachers, I don't want to rely completely on any one group for social contact. It's much more healthy in my view to have about three or more circles to move around in, which I had previously: foreign colleagues, Chinese friends, and expat teachers who worked elsewhere. This keeps friendships lively and fresh. The expression “familiarity breeds contempt” is absolutely true and for this reason I have learned to be very cautious in building friendships. The one person in the world who is there just for me alone at any time or place, is on the other side of the world! If I could find a friend like that out here, I would be very happy because it would give the kind of emotional support that only a very close friend can provide. However that seems unlikely at the moment and in any case can be exhausting for both parties at times. So I will have to be patient and work at it. Sarah believes I'm good at forging friendships, I don't know if she's right or not, but I always try to be honest, open, available, empathic and willing to help if asked. What more can a friend offer?